Domestic violence isn’t just about physical harm. It’s about patterns—cycles of power, control, and manipulation that make it incredibly difficult for survivors to leave or even recognize what’s happening. One of the most important tools for understanding abuse is the cycle of violence model, which explains how abuse tends to repeat and escalate over time.
The DV cycle has four phases which repeat over time, perpetuating and enabling the abusive bond:
1. Tension Building
This phase can feel like walking on eggshells. The abuser may become irritable, critical, or controlling. Survivors often feel anxious, trying to keep the peace or avoid triggering an outburst. Survivors often describe this phase as emotionally exhausting—full of fear, confusion, and hypervigilance.
- Constant criticism or passive-aggressive behavior
- Silent treatment or emotional withdrawal
- Jealousy, possessiveness, or accusations
- The survivor trying harder to please or pacify the abuser
2. Explosion / Incident of Abuse
This is when the actual abusive behavior occurs. It may be physical, emotional, sexual, verbal, or financial. It might be a single incident or a series of escalating threats and actions. Examples include:
- Hitting, slapping, choking, or restraining
- Threatening harm to the survivor, children, or pets
- Sexual coercion or assault
- Yelling, name-calling, or degrading the survivor
- Controlling finances or access to necessities
This phase is traumatic and dangerous. Survivors often feel shocked, paralyzed, or ashamed—even if it’s not the first time.
3. Honeymoon Phase
After the abusive incident, the abuser may express remorse, apologize, or shift blame. They might promise it will never happen again, offer gifts, or act especially loving and attentive. Tactics often include:
- Crying or pleading for forgiveness
- Blaming stress, alcohol, or the survivor
- Love bombing (excessive affection or praise)
- Promises to go to therapy, church, or stop drinking
This phase can be incredibly confusing. The survivor may cling to the hope that the abuser has truly changed.
4. Calm / Normal Phase
Sometimes called the “honeymoon period,” this phase can feel like a return to normal. Things may seem stable, and the abuser may be on their best behavior. The survivor may believe the relationship is improving. But without real accountability and intervention, the calm won’t last—and the tension phase gradually begins again.
Why Survivors Stay: The Power of the Cycle
It’s a myth that survivors stay because they want to. The cycle of violence creates powerful emotional, psychological, and even physiological bonds—sometimes called trauma bonding. It wears down self-esteem, fosters dependence, and traps survivors in a whirlwind of fear, hope, and confusion.
Additional barriers include:
- Fear of retaliation or increased violence
- Lack of money, housing, or childcare
- Shame or guilt
- Cultural or religious pressure
- Hope the abuser will change
- Threats involving immigration status or custody of children
Breaking the Cycle
The cycle of violence thrives in silence.
Breaking free of the cycle is incredibly difficult—but not impossible. Whether you’re a survivor or someone trying to support one, understanding this pattern is the first step toward breaking it. Healing is possible, and help is available.
Survivors need nonjudgmental support, safety planning, and access to resources. Friends, family, and professionals can play a powerful role by believing survivors and helping them reclaim their power.